Hey, I just CANNOT believe this!  I'm actually dieting, it's been 3 days haha.  I don't know what happen, but I prayed for guidance.  I'm really glad I did and right now there is no urge at all to just give up or give in.  I'm so glad.  For today all I got was:

862 Calories

13.2 grams of fat

137.7 grams of carbs.

36.2 Proteins

Now, I don't know much about how many calories I should have for me to lose weight.  Anyway, I went running yesterday.  That was really good.  I felt I did good.  I was with Carlos.  He didn't complain about excercising with me this time (i really want an excercising partner).  Then I came home and did crunches and weights.  I'm glad you know....as long as I get to where I want to be.  I want to do it healthy, but I don't really know what healthy is exactly...

anyway here's the list of food i ate today

breakfast---a biscuit, no butter, yoplait strawberry yogurt, and grapes, and cup of milk

lunch---a pickle (no cals or fat just sodium), Yogurt,.....and ummm....that's it...ok ok i kinda skipped lunch huh? but anyways

supper (always at 6:30)----Tuna plain, and an apple skinned

yesterday was alot healthier i promise

Hey....

I'm so tired!  Last night I stayed up until 6:30 in the morning just worrying about school.  The prices went up and I don't have enough money for The Morning Star.    I really wanted to do that.  Okay, so there are 2 options for me.  Option 1 is to go to the Karnes County Academy and get my diploma.  I don't like that one....the academy?  ....Option 2: Go to night classes and get my GED...only a GED? .

That is so sad...no matter where I am going I  just have to see Kenedy High School.  ugh...i hate the name.  That was so in the past, why can't it just stay there?  And who is going to be there?  Look at the last couple of entries I've made, usually I'm just fine and I'm happy.  I feel satisfied.  What is going to happen when I have to go back?  I know.......I know the very first thing that is going to happen.  I'm going to have a fucking anxiety attack!!!

I wish...I wish...I wish...i could anywhere to any school at all as long as it doesn't require seeing everyone from kenedy.  I can barely keep it together at a store how can I do this???  I was even waking up my boyfriend in the middle of the night asking him question after question about school.

Hey, well......about that dieting thing...yeah that didn't really work out lol.  It's okay though, I can try again?  Yes I can.  I can do this!  I can....

Anyway, excercised this morning.  I think I kind of overworked myself, but it felt awesome afterwards.  I, you know, am fine with what my body looks like, but there is room for improvement right?  As long as I am healthy if I am unhealthy then any weight that I lose at all will be SHIT.  Wow, I never thought I'd be able to say that

Today is a good day...did my boyfriend's laundry, cleaned up, and got all dressed-up.  Just waiting for him to come home.  Well, I'm gonna head out.  Hopefully.....I have enough motivated to keep things going good.

Oh yeah, I saw The Devil's Rejects...good movie!  Not like the last one...

Hey, well I got really sick the other day.  I don't know why...well not really "sick".  I just woke up really dizzy and every direction I looked I got a "shifting" sensation like I was high or something.  I got 11 headrushes/dizzy spells that morning and the rest of the morning I was just dizzy.  It was kind of scary.  I thought something was really wrong.  The first headrush I got was the strongest I've ever had.  I was leaving the bathroom when I got it and I stood there for a while to wait for it to pass, but it didn't.  It was taking too long to pass so I unlocked the door to go tell my mom and she was right in the dining room, but it felt like forever to get there.  I couldn't balance myself and I was very confused and scared because it hadn't gone away yet.  I tried to tell her and my dad, but they kind of ignored me and started talking which made things feel even worse because I felt like I couldn't talk much either for some reason.  When they finally listened they started accusing me of doing drugs, but I sat down with them as I tried to convince them I wasn't.  I was still "spinning."  Then things kind of started just going "off to the side."  It sucked so bad and I was so scared, I thought that I was going to faint or something.  When it was gone I was left feeling confused and disoriented, dizzy.

Anyway I went to the emergency room and the doctor said that sometimes that happens and he gave me these pills that made everything sooo much better and I was completely relazed during the whole day lol.

So what I really wanted to write was that I'm going on a diet (hoping this will help me commit to it).  My boyfriend says he is going on it with me.  I gained weight and uggh...it doesn't feel good at all to know it.  So I guess this is foreal this time.  I tried to go on a diet a thousand times since my ED and I swear to god that every single time I feel like I REALLY DO MEAN IT and I REALLY AM GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME....then 2 days later I am licking the chocalate off my fingers...lol...ok...no....it isn't funny.  Yeah, it's like my brain is trained to think that if I eat a whole lot I will lose weight (because I'm not purging afterwards).......yeah.....I think 2 years of that will do it............2 fucking years of eating a fucking cow a day and then getting rid of it..........i think so

wish me luck

Today is my brother's birthday.  He's 16.  My mom got him a six-pack and concert tickets to NIne Inch Nails.  We got tickets too (me and carlos).  Grace and her kids came over.  I was glad they did, but Micheal did too which really sucks.  Thank god they are leaving right now, I mean, thank god Micheal is leaving.  I had to stay in my room.  He looks at me walk by sometimes, what does he want from me?  He's already won enough. 

So I just had to write some stuff down.  It's time to go...bye

Hey haven't wrote for a while so I decided to write today.  Nothing really has happened except me just worrying my ass off.  I don't know if I will have the money for The Morning Star.  I checked Jubilee out and it's only GED which I cannot believe!!!  That sucks that looked like the best....

Everything's alright besides waking up as Manica everyday, but u know, there's not much I can do about that so.....

Carlos is working with my dad.  I'm just here listening to the radio.  Nothing's really changed.  I want to lose weight but how can that happen, especially if I repeat what I did today...could the Hershey bar I ate be any bigger??? *sarcasm*  I hadn't eaten anything all day anyway.  I'm just a little itty bit bummed.  I don't like the way my clothes fit exactly.  I don't think new clothes would make it better either.     It doesn't matter anyway.  If I don't care what someone else thinks about my body then what does it matter?  Yeah, it does matter. 

Guess what? I'm abstinate, are you? hah...no....i'm not kidding.  A sex commerial is on the radio right now...kaka....go away....I don't like sex anymore.  I just don't.  God I feel like PMS.  I just could KICK  guys right in there fucking balls right now!!!!!  (and everyday)

At the same time, I'm glad.  I'm glad I feel that way.  That means I'm not a whore

What the hell is going on here? Okay the first time it happened I threw up while I was sleeping and then woke up and swallowed...I know that's disgusting but anyway....another time I was just fine again no nausea at all and I had the urge to throw-up. I held it in though. Then yesterday I was feeling really tired so I took a long nap. I woke up feeling horrible. I was soooo nauseated and lightheaded and dizzy. I tried to fight it off because I knew it wasn't going to be a happy trip to the toilet. After a while, I couldn't though so I finally got up and I kind-of stumbled off to the side from weakness and dizziness. I threw up and felt better, but this morning was just the worse!!! I woke up feeling EXTREMELY nauseated and soo horrible. I didn't have anything to throw up and my stomach hurt really bad, I think because I was hungry. But I couldn't eat anything because I was sooo nauseated. It sucked really bad, it was so painful. I got through it though. What does that mean?

Hey well today was busy for me and my boyfriend. Carlos went to work with my dad and I stayed home and cleaned my room all day, decorated and organized. New furniture comes in on Tuesday. Hopefully, Saturday we can go to Fiesta Texas with this church we were invited to on Wednesday. That is a really nice church, but there isn't that many people. I guess that is good for me and no enemies are backstabbers to see. Atleast not yet, they are too short on people now.

How was your 4th of July? Mine was incredibly nice and awesome. We went to the beach in RockPort. It is really beautiful. I could of just sat there infront of it the whole time admiring it, but Carlos wasn't into that. I went with his family. It was fun. The fireworks were cool too. Everything was really nice, except when these two girls walked by in bikinis and my boyfriend was looking at them and then he turned around at me when he realized what he was doing. Yeah, that sucked and that hurt my feelings, but oh well. That's a guy. Anyway, things are good right now. I kinda have felt crappy since like I should better myself or something, but I guess that's natural to feel that way. Alot of girls do that to try to get a guy to notice them a little bit more. You know, dye their hair, buy clothes, beauty products, etc. Yeah...I've done all that. I don't feel much better lol.

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about the beach and how nice it was. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to be around someone who talked behind my back and smiled to my face (his mom). But hey, it's her...she needs to get over whatever bullshit she heard. After a while, we warmed up a bit and she seemed nice enough. She kept saying nice things. So as for now....life is....well there isn't anything wrong with it. It's a little boring lol, but for now I think I'd rather have it that way. Leave the drama for later pls god heh

okay well, I'm gonna go to bed

bye

Okay, well...today wasn't a very good day.  I got this expensive and sucky computer rhat keeps d/c the internet.  I have attempted to write this entry 5 times.  I don't think god wants me to because twice when I tried the power in the house went off...no lie.

Anyway, 6th attempt...

Today sucked.  I had 2 anxiety attacks (post traumatic stress disorder).  I was at the store and I was afraid of who I was going to run into.  My palms were clammy and I felt like time was moving too fast for me.  It felt like people were talking gibberish and I couldn't understand anything anyone said.  Quote:  The person with PTSD avoids situations or activities that are reminders of the original traumatic event because such exposure may cause symptoms to worsen--- http://www.psych.org/public_info/ptsd.cfm    I guess that has something to do with it.  I might certain people bring back everything and...I dunno....I hate this subject.  I don't understand how this could of happened.  I was doing fine again...I don't know anyone else who goes throuigh that so I can home really sad and I tried to talk to Carlos, but he doesn't like to know those kinds of things...not about me anyway.  It's like he'd rather pretend I was all cool and not an ounce of "psycho" is in my blood.  This entrie sounds dumb...anyway he lives with me and that's cool because I'm never lonely

Well, guess I gotta go do psycho things with this psycho mind I have.  That is what you think anyway, right?  so, might as well just leave it as that....

Umm....I've been getting sick alot, but perhaps that's just nerves.....sweating and feeling of heat, pressure on my chest, nausea, weakness, maybe lightheadedness, and umm..i guess that's it.  But it all hits me at once. 

Okay well imagine that you are bulimic (you feel weak, lightheaded, and ill) and you are underweight right?  You excercise though to lose weight and you overdo yourself.  You feel really sick now...that's the sick that I feel.  I'm not bulimic though and it doesn't hit me whenever I'm done excercising.  It just seems to come out of nowhere.  anyway, my doctor said it was probably just nerves.  I think that's just what he expects from me.  He just drew some blood, I think to check up on my liver enyzmes again cuz last time he checked they were abnormal.  He didn't know that back then I was bulimic which causes abnormal enyzmes and he wasn't concerned about the 32 pounds I lost in 3 months either, I guess he couldn't put two together but anyway....that's why I can't trust him. 

A perfect circle---people are people

We're different colors
And different creeds
And different people
Have different needs
It's obvious you hate me
Though I've done nothing wrong
I've never even met you
So what could I have done

People are people
So why should it be
You and I shouldn't get along
People are people
So why should it be
You should hate me
People are people
So why should it be
You and I shouldn't get along
People are people
So why should it be
You should hate me

Punching and kicking
And you're shouting at me
I'm relying on your common decency
So far it hasn't surfaced
But I'm sure it exists
It just takes a while
To travel from your head to your fist

I can't understand what makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand

People are people
So why should it be
You and I shouldn't get along
People are people
So why should it be
You should hate me
People are people
So why should it be
You and I shouldn't get along
People are people
So why should it be
You should hate me

I can't understand what makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
I can't understand what makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
I can't understand what makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand

Carlos came over yesterday and the day before.  It was alright, there is just nothing to do.  I think we really need to get out somewhere.  I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the 1st.  I want to make this work.  Well, I don't know what is up for today besides babysitting.  I'm taking care of Melanie again.  Right now she's entertaining herself with a bracelet.  I don't know what to say because nothing much has changed.  Yesterday I woke up feeling terrible....as you can tell from my last journal entry, but there could be alot of reasons for that.  I hadn't got much sleep lately is one of them and I haven't gone to church at all....oh yeah there is church today.  Will I go?..................blah.  

Where is the drama?  Hah, when it is here I just complain and complain.  Well, that's life huh?......blah.  I wonder what my babe is doing right now...

Why am I so blah?

Carlos surprised me today.  After taking a test I crashed out and he woke me up knocking on my window.  I was glad to see him though.  Did somebody put a spell on me?  hah...most of the time when he's gone I'm wishing he were around.  I was glad to see him.  I don't know what I'm doing up, I have to babysit tomorrow.  It's just Melanie, she's okay to watch...just very silly. 

What did me and Carlos do?  Nothing...got on the computer and watched tv.  I miss him though, even if we don't have anything great to do.  So am I the only person to find this alittle strange?  One day to the next....a change of heart.  Well, it's just great...no I'm not being sarcastic.  It is great.  It's awesome I think.  of course something had to go wrong...

I heard that my niece Ceclie was crying today, very bad, very emotional.  She's fixing to be 12.  She's alittle preppy and popular with the boys and the girls, but she's "kiddish" though.  She doesn't surround her life with boys, and really hasn't took an interest in them "yet".  She's my baby though, even if she is getting old.  Today some girl was talking about her in school, spreading rumors.  She said things like she touches herself and she's a gay bitch.  I was mad and then I heard she came home crying very badly I wanted to cry too, you know?  So I'm really mad.  I wish that I could do something.  I've seen the girl who was talking about her, she's her age but she looks alot older about 15 maybe.  Coincidently, she's related to these 2 girls that did the same thing to me when I was 12.  I came home crying.  But gosh, I'm really mad you know?  I mean, Ceclie?  It doesn't help to know how fragile and sensitive she is.  How can that stupid little bitch pick on her ?  I need some fuckin Aqua Teen  

Hey I went to San Antonio with Carlos the day before yesterday.  It was fun.  Alot of his family went...they are really loud people, but fun--so is he.  I had his brother on one side and him on the other, my ears were itching cuz they were so loud.  We went to a kareoke bar, 2 of them.  Nope, I don't sing!  His mom and I were okay.  I felt really happy...yesterday he came over.  It almost faded, but I refused to let it so it's alright.  Well, just thought I'd write it down...bye!

Oh yeah,  who is praying for me?  

About this relationship...I change my mind.  We were talking about it, about how we should be better off friends.  I think that I really do want to be with him, it's just the timing maybe.  I'm not ready to have a boyfriend right now or anytime soon, but we talked about it.  I feel alot better.  I feel like I really do want to be with him.  Tonight when we dropped him off I realized that I felt certain and happy about us.  I hope that it last!!!  If it doesn't then that would definitely suck.  Something will go wrong you know?  When one thing is made better something else will always go wrong.  I just hope that this part remains the same...So I just had to write that....gotta go bye

Hey, well whoever it was who posted a comment last entry thanx...and yeah I know your right.  Gosh, why does it feel so difficult though.  Maybe because we were such good friends I don't want to ruin that...especially when he says things like "I can't see you with anyone else."  Truthfully and honestly, I think that words like that tend to drive me away.  I mean if you don't feel it in your heart already...

So he called me today and we talked for a little while.  I didn't say anything.  I think I want to tell him on the phone, but then that's rude and then he has my cd.  I think I want to tell him in person, but I'm afraid to see his reaction.  I wish we could go back to being friends.  Gosh I HATE breaking up with someone!!!   And then everytime we don't talk for a while, my parents are all "where's your boyfriend....did ya'll break up....blah blah blah....la la la...."  ugh...

So let's change the subject...Well Micheal came over, but he just stood at the door.  I was so mad and feared he'd get the guts to come in some more.  I was standing in the kitchen and was thinking about what I should do.  First thought was to go hide somewhere then I got guts and decided I was gonna go slam the door in his fucking face.  Well I walked over there to do it, but he was gone.  I was relieved, but hey I was looking forward to slamming that door.  He was in our driveway now and I slam the door so he would notice.  Grace saw it too so her kids have a problem with making up their minds (they come in and out and leave the door open), but from then on she started screaming at them to close the door.

What else is new?  Umm...Sausha called me today.  Excited...Nope.  I've called her a few times and I was glad that she had finally returned my phone call until the words "Ask your parents if they want to buy some Krispy Kreme donuts" came out of her mouth.  I was mad haha.  I mean, we hadn't really talked in about a month, I've been trying to get a hold of her, she doesn't return my phonecalls, but then basically calls me for money.  So after my mom said nope, the conversation all of sudden gets really really quiet and she's like "umm...so what are you doing?"...anyway and to make it even worse she's over there chillin with Rhonda.  In which, let me just say I have nothing against Rhonda, that is until she was talkin this and that behind my back.  Then she comes and tries to tell me hi...so if you read my VF profile you would know how much I hate that!  So I told Sausha to call me back later and she asked why and I told her flat out that I didn't feel like talking right now so she screamed at me "fine!" and then said bye so...oh yeah I sure do have great friends *cough*cough*

Who cares you know?  Who needs "friends" anyway?!  You know, I don't need friends...I got my blowdryer, my furniture, my bed, my hairbrush...wait no, where is my hairbrush?...my stereo, my pink silky comforter , playboy pillow, playboy blanket, new clothes , cds, tv, internet...Who needs friends ja no?? *avoids eye contact, hides behind my hair*  I need no friends....

"You want to be a bitch I'll show you an even bigger bitch"

So let's see what else is new....ummm...my brother is dating someone who just so happens to be Michelle's best friend or whatever.  Which whatever I don't have a problem with that, she calls to the house alot too.  Well, one day she called and for some reason I felt just really really annoyed...she's like "Manica can you check if your brother is down the street, could you just call him..."  I don't remember what I said I was just really annoyed, I remember telling Carlos though (he was with me) "I can't believe this shit."  I didn't intend to call him but since the neighbors were just standing outside I asked if they knew where he was and they said at the park so I told her.  I don't remember what she was saying but it was just annoying and she was like "well i just saw him, he's right down the street...blah blah" and I was like "okay well he's not around he's at the park"  and she said "oh okay, Thank-you."  Out of annoyance, I hung up.  2 days later, my brother was somewhat laughing and said did she call you and say that I was just down the street?  Then he was like well she wanted me to let you know that it wasn't her it was Michelle.  What the fuck?  I was mad.  One cuz she said she was someone else, 2 cuz I spent all this annoying time on the phone with HER, 3 cuz of the way she was talking to me like sayin my name and asking me things as if she was always talking to me, 4 cuz of the fuckin 2 minute of asslickin she was doing to get to talk to him.  That's fair isn't it to be mad?  Then what else...the fact that she was talkin this and that BEHIND MY BACK and asslickin on the phone let me say again I HATE THAT!  I FUCKIN HATE THAT.  No, don't fuckin call over here again!  I don't want to deal with it and I won't.  You want to be a bitch I'll show you an even bigger bitch...anyway *yawn*  this is so tiring...fustrating...nah not really...but u get the point

I hate being so mean, but then if I'm nice people stomp on me so...you know?

So next subject....I dreampt about Micheal again last night.  Yeah I know...and this time it sucked so bad.  You know why?  Well I was hitting and trying to beat him up but nothing would work.  I was sooooo mad!  So I punched him in the face and that didn't work either.  Nothing I tried was working!  I mean, it's just like the dreams I have....I dream that I'm drunk and I'm trying to mess him up but I can't because I'm so disoriented and I'm drunk.  So wait...this is even worse because I'm not drunk and I still can't do it!  So the last thing I remember in my dream is that he was lying down on the floor.  I stood on top of him and I was so so angry that nothing would fuck him up and so got my leg and was gonna fuckin kick him as hard as I could right in the damn face!  Well, either you might laugh or think that I'm seriously emotionally disturbed because right when I was going to kick him I woke up and I kicked the bottom of my window (where the indent starts for the window to be and at the very tip of it).  So my foot went right in to the point!  Oh gosh it hurt so bad and I did it with so much anger.  Whoa, great way to start my day...

Alright my bitchin is done.  I can smile now ......think happy thoughts....happy thoughts....*flies out the window*

Well today was alright...I was just a bum today.  Updating my profile on VF and stuff.  I've been doing some thinking and I think that I would much rather be single.  Honestly, I just wish I could go back in time and keep Carlos as my good friend.  Hey, it's too late for that now huh?  Well, atleast I know what it would feel like.  I just...like being single maybe.  I can't really understand why I feel the way I do or do the things that I do.  I was talking to someone about this and I started crying.  He understands.  I just wish everyone else would too, especially my parents!  Come on, 17 years old.  How can they put so much force onto who I should "love".  Don't tell me I'm going to end up alone...

I'm just worried, I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want anymore arguements.  What if later I come around?  It's been like 3 months, should I have come around by now?  If I break-up with him now, I will feel as if I failed again at this.  I was unable to open up my heart to someone again.  Sometimes I feel like I made a good choice sticking with him and then the next day or a few moments later I will feel different.  He told me he loved me way, way too soon.  I think that really messed things up.  I feel like he doesn't know what it is, just the way I felt with Patrick.  They both said the same thing about every girl that they've been with too soon and I just can't find that "special" part that comes with it.  I don't know...

Am "I" the problem?  I must be, yes.

"When I was young
I fell in love
She was a goddess
With a world inside of her mind
When she moved on
Something went wrong
She took my power
And the love I had inside
Now that I found you
I don’t know how to...
I pray in time
I’ll come to find
Away to break through
And save this heart of mine
You’ve waited long
If you can’t hold on
I wouldn’t blame you
I don’t think I’d be that strong

If I could fall
In love again
I’d fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl I would
I would, I would, I would"---Lenny K. "If I could fall in love"

It's all late, I just kind of got up.  I had such a bad dream.  Well, it wasn't that bad.  I've been having several dreams very similar to it.  I'm fighting with a man, struggling or screaming.  I even remember waking up several times during one night scared and still struggling and thinking what the hell is wrong with me.  This time it was about Micheal...I was sitting on the sofa when my family walked in and he came too.  I was so mad that he would come in my house while I was right there.  I was thinking about what I should do.  I looked around for him and then noticed that he was sitting right next to me.  I was so mad so I started yelling at him and he just sat there not caring at all so I started trying to hit him in the face and clawing at his skin, but nothing worked.  Nobody in the room cared, and Micheal was just annoyed.  I didn't understand and it just made things worse so I started trying to claw at his skin.  I left the room and came back to find him sitting there still like nothing so I started picking up things and hitting him in the head with it.  I left again and came back he was walking in our kitchen.  I walked over there telling him that I can't believe he is doing this and he kept asking me why I was doing this and I said it's because of what you did and thinking he doesn't know what he put me through.  I was so damn angry I started hitting him in the face again and I picked up our dustpan (it has a pole connected to it) and hit him across the head with it.  It broke and all was left was the pole so I started scracthing him across the face with it and poking at him.  His face was bleeding but he still didn't care and he said "What is wrong with you?  I don't like you."  I was so angry I wanted to say something, but I couldn't believe what he just said.  I wanted to say something so that it wouldn't look like I was just crazy and mad because he doesn't want to be with me.  If you don't understand why I was thinking this let me remind you that a few nights ago my mom told me foreal that sometimes she thinks that me and Micheal were going around together and I'm just mad at him because he wouldn't admit it to Gracie.  I was so mad that he was trying to make me look like that infront of my family and mad that he was pretending like he never did anything wrong.  I wanted to say something like "yeah why would you fucking do all that to me, you fucking pervert!"  I didn't understand.  I was afraid that I would sound wrong or something, but at the same time so angry because I knew that if I didn't say something back to him that my family would believe what he was saying was true.  Then my family started laughing and were saying things like I wanted him to want me and that I liked him.  I was so disgusted and so mad I wanted to cry or scream.  I screamed at them to shut-up, but by then I had already woken up from my dream.  I screamed shut-up, but then I was relieved to find that it was all just a dream.  I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.  I can't ever cry about things like that, like something inside of me wants to reach out, but I won't let it happen...

umm...nothing has really gone on much lately.  Carlos came over last-night.  My niece, Ceclie, was here too.  It was good.  I felt pretty good, happy.  So anyway, I got some pictures of me posted at

http://vampirefreaks.com/profile.php?user=Psychotic_Bitch911   so check them out if you have the time!

in the mean time, here's something you can look at:  It's Melanie!

Hey I haven't really been up to much.  It's a little late and I should be in bed, but whatever.  The computer messed up for a while so I'm catchin up.  Well, let me see...I got in a fight with Carlos today and he got kind of mad at me last night.  Well, I heard my mom talking to someone about how she tells me that she hates for me to date because she says I "play around" with guys hearts and hurt their feelings.  She was telling him that the real reason why she got mad is because she knows that the guys I date are "good" guys and that she knows I don't love them or like them enough or whatever to have sex with them.  So she'd rather me stay with them because I might end up with a "bad" guy, end up sleeping with him and ruining my life.  She said that next time I got a boyfriend that I had to explain to him that I am not looking for a long-term relationship and whatever, whatever. 

So I have never thought of that before.  I figured you know, that they don't want to hear it so I better not tell them how I really feel and I end up not being such a great gf and they don't understand what happened to me.  The thing is with Carlos, I think maybe has to do with that I like being single I guess.  I don't know, but I haven't been really happy.  Well yeah, I told him what I had to say (what mom was saying) and I could see it in his face he was really mad.  I just don't know what to do.  Okay, I don't want to break up with him, I just don't want all of this pressure he gives to me about being together like forever.  I mean, I'm 17 right?  but then yesterday when Dad asked what we were talking about I told him and he got mad at me.  He always says that one of these days I'm just going to end up alone and I'm afraid that's true I guess.  Gosh, he said that about Patrick too.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm happy...then I'm not.  I am so confused.  It's like though, last night when I told Carlos I didn't think we would you know, be together for that long I suddenly felt like I wanted to hang on to him.  And I don't mean because I'm afraid to be alone, no nothing like that.  I care about him.  He is a great person, you know?  I just don't know though I keep thinking that maybe I'm just looking for something else, but then is that person just right infront of me?  Who knows only time will tell I guess. 

(Dreaming by Rolando Cyril)

I had the weirdest dream today...

I was in my living room with my family.  We were all trying to get to sleep.  A lady walked in from the front door and walked back out and my dog was scratching on the front door to go out and I just ignored him and fell asleep.  So I was dreaming that I was dreaming.  I realized that it was a dream then and it was all cool and everything.  I went to go open the front door, not knowing what to expect.  I knew something would turn out to be strange or different.  I opened it to find that I was looking down to long, huge door steps.  It felt cool to know that I was dreaming.  I went down and my yard was just like the yard of the house that I grew up in.  Since I knew that I was dreaming, I let myself fly...I started to float among some trees and I kept thinking how awesome this was (to know that I was dreaming).  I kept saying to myself in my head, "This is a dream."  Then I said to myself, maybe even outloud, "This isn't real."  As soon as I said that I felt an incredible rush as if I had been sucked right out of my dream and back into my mind, onto my bed...kind of difficult to explain.  Anyway, almost as if I felt myself in my dream being rewinded and it went all the way to me back in my bed.  So I woke-up back on my bed and I had sleep paralysis (I couldn't move).  I wanted so much to wake up, sleep paralysis is such a scary feeling of course.  My eyes were open though and I could see pictures on my dresser's headboard.  They were the pictures that I had placed on top of my dresser just the night before.  I had no idea what they were doing positioned that way on my headboard.  I was freaked and wondering how they got there.  With sleep paralysis, it felt like a nightmare.  I thought that maybe my mom put them there.  I tried to move and scream to knock off the sleep paralysis and I broke out of it screaming.  I got up from my bed and then looked back at my dresser to see the pictures again, they weren't there.  I realized I had been dreaming then.  So what?  A dream within a dream within a dream.

Anyway, everything is pretty much the same.  Went to church on Sunday, Carlos came over.  Zeke just got here...friend.  So I guess I gotta go then later

Later....

Well, Zeke just left.  It was boring because there isn't much to do here.  I told Carlos he was coming over and he didn't like it, but then said he trusted me.  He should trust me.  I saw my ex boyfriend today.  I got really sad for like 5 seconds and spent another 5 seconds telling myself it wasn't worth it, which is true.  It isn't worth it.  I turned in my prom pics at Wal-mart so I'll post them when I get them in about 3 days.  Man my entries are always long aren't they?  Well, wish I could think of something clever to say or something, but no...hmm...hmmmm...no....nothing

I got to go to prom!  Mom said she couldn't do it...everything's okay.

So anyway, just someone tell me...how can someone lie to you so much and hurt you so bad as if you were a piece of shit...as if you were nothing and someway, somehow you still find those 5 minutes to think about the good times when you know they don't exist anymore and you will never get them back. I mean, what is the point? Tell me, how can someone look at you in the eyes and tell you a hundred lies knowing what the consequence could be. How can someone hurt you so much to where you can't even say to yourself that you love them because it makes you feel ashamed? People say the truth hurts more than the lie, but no it's the lies that really tear me apart, those words that meant so much to me. Nothing could fix it, but a "sorry" with true meaning would make it better. Then again how many of those have I heard and how many times did they mean nothing?

I spoke way, way too soon.  Yesterday, I felt like I needed some space, a break from Carlos.  When I told him he got upset and didn't listen to anything that I had to say.  He just walked out the door.  I felt bad, but I just needed a break for a while.  I was talking to Zeke on the phone afterwards, telling him what happened and then my mom walked in and said to get off the phone that she wanted to tell me something.  Then she asked me why I broke up with him and I told her that I just needed a break.  She said that I wasn't "all there" after that and I was like what? your not all there, you can't even comprehend what I just said.  I just want a break.  and then I said that I'm 17 years old and you and him expect me to already make this commitment like I'm going to get married or something and I need a break to figure out what the hell I'm going to do.  Then she said why not?  when i was young all of my relationships lasted long.  I said she was a liar because she got married for 3 years and then just left her husband simply because she couldn't love him anymore (he was the sweetest one she had).  I said she didn't even care about how I felt, it's always her point of view. 

    She didn't say anything after that and changed the subject to money.  Asking why do I say that she doesn't care whenever she buys me this and that.  I said that whenever I told her that she didn't care I was talking about whenever she goes and spends all this time with fuckin Micheal (pervert brother in law) after what he did to me.  And then yesterday I thought he came inside the house (we just got home) and I told my mom that I didn't want to go inside if he was in there and she said rudely "That's your problem" and left.  I was so pissed off.  But anyway, that is what I was talking about and that bitch had the nerve to say about her own daughter:  "Sometimes I think that you and him were going around together and the only reason your mad is because he didn't admit it to your sister."  I was like that's digusting and whatever else.  I was cussing my ass off.  I continously told her to "get the fuck out of my room" and possibly "fuck you" I'm not sure.  But anyway at one point I must of talked to her really bad because she came at me swinging and like her she hits me on the top of my head so bruises won't ever show.  Not hard this time, but hard enough to hurt.  I have like a little itty bitty red where she hit me by my eye last night.  And then you could hear dad talking coming to my room and she started to "playfully" hit me.  I know...then anyway I dunno what he was saying because he was talking in spanish and then I was on my bed but I went to the floor to get away from her and her hands were coming at me again and I picked up my leg not exactly to kick her but to shield myself from her hits and she was all "oh you kicked me."   My dad said that I needed to be sent away and all of this crap and I was bad and crazy.  I said I was defending and shielding myself from her and she was like from what this? and started to playfully hit me again. 

    I can't remember too much after that, just alot of verbel shit.  Dad wouldn't stop talking saying things like if I left they were going to call the cops to take me to jail and that I needed to be sent away, I am crazy and all of this bullshit because I was back-talking to my mom.   Everytime I tried to explain what happened or anything at all he would just tell me to shut-up.  Then whenever I was crying my mom just said stupid stuff like she just wanted to watch me and feeling sorry for myself and I dunno.  So then when my mom started crying I was angry enough not to even care.  I just walked away and said I don't even want to hear it and she said I was the devil and this and that.  Dad said I couldn't talk to her that way and I said I'm just talking to her the way she talked to me and he said she could do that because she was my parent.  I said that he had no business to basically call me a whore.  He said he never called me a whore and I said well basically?  you said that I just wanted to grow up to be a slut (he did say that).  Mom too had said that it was my fault what Micheal did to me because I was wearing a skirt and i knew what he would do because i know how he was and the truth is I never thought in a million years that he would do something like that to anyone, especially me.  Again, Dad just kept saying he was going to send me away and put me in jail.  I was like in jail for what? and my mom said for kicking her in the stomach and on her shoulder and I brought up whenever she was really hitting me before dad came and I was protecting myself from her and she was like "yeah right that's what you think you did"...Damn!

I called the cops to ask them if I left somewhere without their permission what I get in alot of trouble with them because I am 17 years old.  I wanted to go spend the night somewhere else.  Whoever it was said he really didn't know and asked me he should send someone over.  I said no because my mom would probably lie and say that I kicked her whenever I put my leg in the way to defend myself from her and that I hit her in the shoulder or something like that I don't remember what I said, but then she came to my room and took the phone away from me and gave them our address and said to come on over.  Then when the cop came I asked him and he said it was fine that I could even move out if I wanted to and they couldn't do anything about it.  He made it sound like I was going to move out, but I just wanted to leave for the night because I was so angry at them.  Then my mom was like fine she can go so I called Sausha and she came to pick me up, but whenever she came my mom said to get the fuck out of my house.  I had a big bag full of stuff, but it was only one day things and she made a comment about it.  Then I left, but later I felt so bad I came back.  They weren't home, but I noticed alot of my clothes and some shoes were gone.  I bought those shoes with my own money.  Anyway, if she bought some of those things does she have the right to take them away even after they have been mine for so long and doesn't it become my possession?  Isn't that written somewhere I think I read it...anyway I'm really asking that question so anyone who has actually read this far reply!

Earlier when she took my prom dress and was attempting to take some clothes I said she could not take any of my stuff even if she bought it with her own money because once she gives it to me it's in my possession and it becomes mine.  Then she said "I didn't buy you that prom dress.  I didn't buy you those shoes."  As if, to show me what she would tell anyone and then she walked out for a while.  No, I think that was the last thing that happened while in my room. 

Well, today she went to San Antonio.  Meaning she took my dress to return it too.  So this is life, isn't it wonderful?  To top it off, I found out that whenever I dated Lionel/Line, he cheated on me.  Guess with who.....................................done guessing?  Same girl that he was dating whenever he kissed me this last time.............................her name is Michelle.  Yeah and guess what else?  She knows about it, he told her.  He's dating someone else now though.  Not like I care.  I hate him so much, but anyway...like I was saying...."yes we've been blessed and there are more blessings to come Bitch!"

Hey lost the internet for a while...well...nothing much new has happened.  Been hanging out with Carlos almost everyday.  Oh yeah,  his mom hates me.  She makes me so pissed off...a 2-face (she thinks she knows things about me...not true...listening to some little brat...stupid)   Well he still goes to church with me every Sunday.  I think he's coming with me to get a prom dress...whenever that is.

I'm going to prom with Juan instead.  Daniel was telling people in school that we might go out and then when he found out I just got a boyfriend I heard he was changing his mind...so whatever.  I haven't told Daniel yet.  I guess I will today.  He wanted to ask someone else...hmm can't wait to see who that is...

well i gotta go...too much work to do

hmm...Well guess what....I took the chance and...........hah it wasn't a bad one.  Atleast, I don't think.  I told Carlos how I felt and supposely he felt the same.  He is so nice.  Well, I feel good.  I...don't know what to say...I just feel...good.  Carlos went to church with me on Sunday.  That was pretty funny...cuz well heh Carlos just doesn't go to church.  Oh just let things be good for now...sit back...wait for the bad to come?  nah...enjoy the good while it lasts